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Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Unknown
Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.

Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.

Unknown
You remind me of a penny... Two faced and not worth much.

You remind me of a penny... Two faced and not worth much.

Unknown
I've met some pricks in my time, but you sir, are a fucking cactus.

I've met some pricks in my time, but you sir, are a fucking cactus.

Unknown
Just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.

Just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.

Unknown
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield
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If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty. - Marilyn Monroe

If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.

Marilyn Monroe
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It is a very funny thing that the sleepier you are, the longer you take about getting to bed. - C. S. Lewis

It is a very funny thing that the sleepier you are, the longer you take about getting to bed.

C. S. Lewis
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Fettucini Alfredo is just Macaroni and Cheese for adults. - Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini Alfredo is just Macaroni and Cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg
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If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered. - Edgar Allan Poe

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

Edgar Allan Poe
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. - Dr. Seuss

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Dr. Seuss
Life is too short to drink bad wine. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Money can buy you a fine dog but only love...

Money can buy you a fine dog but only love...

Unknown

I’d like every man who doesn’t call himself a feminist to explain to the women in his life why...

Unknown

I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room...

Unknown
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The ladies men admire, I've heard, would shudder at a wicked word.

The ladies men admire, I've heard, would shudder at a wicked word.

Unknown
There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love...

There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love...

Unknown
Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep disturbing them.

Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep disturbing them.

Unknown
Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

Unknown
Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair. - Will Rogers

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

Will Rogers
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Unknown
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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Unknown
If I had more time, I would have written you a shorter letter. - Blaise Pascal

If I had more time, I would have written you a shorter letter.

Blaise Pascal
The best things in life are free, but you can keep them for the birds and bees; I want money. - John Lennon

The best things in life are free, but you can keep them for the birds and bees; I want money.

John Lennon
A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime. - Mark Twain

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

Mark Twain