funny quotes

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient.

You remind me of a penny... Two faced and not worth much.

I've met some pricks in my time, but you sir, are a fucking cactus.

Just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.

It is a very funny thing that the sleepier you are, the longer you take about getting to bed.

Fettucini Alfredo is just Macaroni and Cheese for adults.

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

Money can buy you a fine dog but only love...

I’d like every man who doesn’t call himself a feminist to explain to the women in his life why...

I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room...

The ladies men admire, I've heard, would shudder at a wicked word.

There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love...

Never let your best friends get lonely. Keep disturbing them.

Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

If I had more time, I would have written you a shorter letter.

The best things in life are free, but you can keep them for the birds and bees; I want money.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.