Paris Hilton Makes a Friend at the London Zoo

While in town for London fashion week, Paris decides to hang out at one of her favorite places to visit when she’s feeling lonely: the famous London Zoo. The endangered Sumatran Tiger is her favorite display because Orange is the New Black is super-popular nowadays and this tiger is both orange AND black. How awesome is that! At least Paris thinks so.

 

As she starts to look for a bathroom because “When Paris has to pee, Paris has to pee!”, she notices someone who doesn’t look like she’s from around here. In fact, the woman appears to be from an entirely different world. She almost looked just like a black and white photo from the 1800s. She was wearing a fur coat and looked very sad and confused like she suddenly appeared here out of nowhere… but she didn’t seem to mind very much… like she was used to having hallucinations.

 

 

The Quantum Quote Accelerator had done it again. It teleported none other than Virginia Woolf to the modern-day London Zoo. While she was still trying to figure out what was happening, Paris already started devising a plan o how to approach her.

 

You see, Paris was intrigued by this peculiar woman and thought she should offer a helping hand. To establish rapport, Paris thought she would say something along the lines of: “Hey, I know it’s a little chilly outside, but those animal rights activists are right around the corner. Aren’t you scared they’ll get you and throw paint on you or something?” But before she could say anything, the woman came up to her and said, as if in a trance:

 

Virginia: “It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality.”

 

Paris: “That’s hot.”, she said, taken completely by surprise and quite mesmerized by Virginia’s beautiful accent and vocabulary. Then, figuring that the inevitable has finally happened and that aliens have arrived, Paris decides to be hospitable. So, with a smile far greater than the Sun, she exclaims: “This is Earth. Isn’t it hot?”

 

Taken aback by the randomness of the situation, they both started laughing out loud. After they introduced each other, and Paris found out that she’s speaking to a British woman named Virginia Woolf, whom she had never heard of before, they start walking around the zoo, as they get to know each other better.

 

Paris: “I travel around the world constantly promoting my projects and endorsing products. Yes, I do get paid to go to parties; in fact, I’m the person who started the whole trend of paid appearances. But when you see me at a party, I’m always working or promoting something.”

 

Virginia: “As a woman, I have no country. As a woman, my country is the whole world.”

 

Paris: “I love Africa in general South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”

 

Virginia: “The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.”

 

Paris: “That’s hot.”

 

Virginia: “It is fatal to be a man or woman pure and simple: one must be a woman manly, or a man womanly.”

 

Paris: “I get along with guys; most of my friends are guys. It’s easier to trust men sometimes. I only have a few close girlfriends that I trust.”

 

They continue walking and they reach the Sumatran Tiger’s cage, which was the whole reason Paris was here in the first place. However, as a cruel twist of fate, the animal seems to be dead. Or at least Paris thought so. So she started screaming for help.

 

After inspecting the entire situation, the zookeeper assures the two women that there is absolutely nothing wrong: “That’s how animals sleep,” explained the man, “just like people.”

 

Virginia: “Sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life.” Sighs Virginia, as she sits down, quite shaken by all the commotion.

 

Paris (looking at the sweaty zookeeper, and taking note of his ‘people skills’): “That’s hot.”

 

Virginia: “The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages.” She calmly contemplates all the cages around her. After a few seconds, she gets up and they continue their walk. Paris feels like she has a lot to learn from this interesting, wise, odd woman, so she decides to hang out with her a little longer.

 

As they pass by the animal cracker counting booth, they see lots of wide-eyed kids, eagerly focusing on the important task they had to fulfill, while playing, shouting and running around. Wanting to seem interesting herself, Paris borrows the pensive tone her friend had earlier and has a moment of reflection herself.

 

Paris: “It’s been my dream to have four babies by 30. I look after animals, so I’d have a lot to give my kids.”

 

Virginia: “Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.”

 

Virginia was referring to a metaphorical death, but Paris wasn’t really sure what she meant by that, so she decided to end on a positive note.

 

Paris: “The way I see it, you should live every day like it’s your birthday.”

 

Virginia: “That great Cathedral space which was childhood…”

 

Paris: “When I was younger, my family would go camping and fishing on our ranches. My dad loves being around all kinds of animals. He’s the one who got me to be a really big animal lover.”

 

Virginia: “Odd how the creative power at once brings the whole universe to order.”

 

Paris: “Life is too short to blend in.”

 

Virginia: “For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.”

 

Feeling empowered and all passionate about women’s rights and stuff, Paris wants to let Virginia know the highlights of her humanitarian work.

 

Paris: “By channeling my inner heiress, I created a new opportunity for young heiresses.”

 

Virginia: “A woman must have money and a room of her own…”

 

Paris: “I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is, like, really, really fun.”

 

Surprised, but not quite understanding what Paris is on about, Virginia continues her plea for the education of women.

 

Virginia: “If we help an educated man’s daughter to go to Cambridge are we not forcing her to think not about education but about war? – not how she can learn, but how she can fight in order that she might win the same advantages as her brothers?”

 

Paris: “I don’t really think, I just walk.”

 

She said this right as they were passing by an old, red London phone booth. From inside the booth, a loud ring suddenly starts, making the two jump with surprise.

 

Virginia: “The telephone, which interrupts the most serious conversations and cuts short the most weighty observations, has a romance of its own.”

 

As she said this, the phone booth becomes brighter and brighter, and a peculiar white light starts enveloping Virginia’s body, as the ringing gets louder and louder. The Quantum Quote Accelerator works in mysterious ways, so, in a flash of powerful light, it instantly transports the woman back to her time, leaving behind a dazed and confused Paris. In a fraction of a second, all her memories of the recent events between her and Virginia Woolf, disappear into oblivion, and she is left watching as the shirtless zoo keeper is sweeping the empty cage in front of her.

 

Paris: “That’s hot.”

 

She says as she starts heading for the exit.

 

 

Image source: 1, 2, 3.