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Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

Steve Martin
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. - Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Steve Martin
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. - Steve Martin

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Steve Martin

I'm 48. For a while after 'The Jerk' (movie) I had a feeling of failure. I was a little scared. First people discover you and they love you. You get big and then you fail. And people are glad that you fail. But I've always come back and I've started to trust myself.

Steve Martin

I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition.

Steve Martin

Romance takes place when you first fall in love. It stirs all emotions and you can manipulate and be manipulated.

Steve Martin
Love is a promise delivered already broken. - Steve Martin

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

Steve Martin

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

Steve Martin
Be so good they can't ignore you. - Steve Martin

Be so good they can't ignore you.

Steve Martin
Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation. - Steve Martin

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

Steve Martin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! - Steve Martin

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Steve Martin

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Steve Martin
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. - Steve Martin

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Steve Martin
Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. - Steve Martin

Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Steve Martin

'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.

Steve Martin
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

I always think back to my high school days and realize all the people who were so popular then are nowhere now and all the people who were steadfast and steady-going are somewhere. So high school doesn't necessarily translate to later in life.

Steve Martin

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Steve Martin
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them. - Steve Martin

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

Steve Martin

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Steve Martin

I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that...

Steve Martin

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

Steve Martin

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

Steve Martin