-quotes

Louis C. K. QUOTES

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Perception is created and twisted so quickly. - Louis C. K.

Perception is created and twisted so quickly.

Louis C. K.

I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it.'

Louis C. K.
America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out. - Louis C. K.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

Louis C. K.

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go "Uh, I'm kind of an asshole."

Louis C. K.

Don't text or Twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Also, it lights up your big dumb face.

Louis C. K.

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

Louis C. K.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money. - Louis C. K.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

Louis C. K.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

Louis C. K.
I don't have a brother in real life. - Louis C. K.

I don't have a brother in real life.

Louis C. K.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, I got an erection, and the scene's not there.

Louis C. K.
I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'. - Louis C. K.

I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

Louis C. K.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. - Louis C. K.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

Louis C. K.
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I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. - Louis C. K.

I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning.

Louis C. K.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' - Louis C. K.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

Louis C. K.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" and I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Louis C. K.

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."

Louis C. K.
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I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining "Sir, could you please stop?"

Louis C. K.

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no - there's a person.

Louis C. K.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

Louis C. K.

'I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you%u030Dve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored'.

Louis C. K.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Louis C. K.
Life is full of horrible mistakes. - Louis C. K.

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

Louis C. K.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth. - Louis C. K.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth.

Louis C. K.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Louis C. K.
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two. - Louis C. K.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

Louis C. K.